Why You Don’t Have What You Want of This Life

*disclaimer: yes, unfortunately I have to start this blog this way. This blog isn’t going to be my normal. This isn’t going to be about fat loss, or maybe it is. It isn’t going to be about why you should exercise, or maybe it will be. But I need you to hear me on one thing: I am no guru, I am no saint, I can be hypocritical, and there are times you should just take my verbal advice at face value, not on my own actions… This is simply a, hmmmmm, story I’d like to share with some friends. The concept here has begun to and will drastically shape my life; it may yours as well, or it might not.

In about a month I’ll be turning 35. I don’t hang around any teenagers so I don’t hear them claiming that as old. It’s quite the opposite; I’m around a bunch of 50+ year olds so often it makes me realize how young 35 can actually be.

I’ve been a people watcher my whole life. I’ve always sought to study why we tick. As an introvert and loner per se I’ve never had anyone around me ask the hard questions like “what are you doing with your life?” “What do you think your purpose is?” “Are you truly joyful about the life you lead?” So I had to ask myself instead. And I ask a zillion questions ALL-THE-TIME!

I also happen to run a business and career completely centered on one idea: “I WANT…” People come to me with I want _____, I want _____ or share their life stories about how they are working towards their I want….

So I have a question for you, WHY? Why do you not lead the life you dream of? Why are you not in the shape mentally or physically or financially or socially or whatever that you desire and long for deep down?

I mean seriously, consider that question. You’ll face an onslaught of information slapping you upside your dome. And likely, as usual, you’ll quiet it all back down and leave it for a “better time” to get to heart of the matter.

Step 1: Why We Can’t Sort Out All the Data

If you were going to live the life of your dreams and I’m not talking about the bullshit about how you want to win the lottery and never have to work for you a**hole of a boss again, I’m talking about the life you control (if you are actually in control?), it would have to start somewhere. And somewhere comes down to collecting some bits of data.

• Who am I? Am I happy with this version of myself? I was recently in a heated discussion with someone about this and I stated that for myself it comes down to one thing: when I lay my head down on my pillow and say goodnight to this reality, if I didn’t wake in the morning, would I be pleased with how I’ve done it this far. Since I was 25ish, the answer has always been yes. And I asked her that question and she went blank, empty. You’re going to have to get to know who you are if you’re ever to figure out how to get the life that person wants to live.
• What are my faults, what are faults others would say I have standing in my way from the ultimate life? What habits have I formed, good or bad? What outside factors weight in on and shape how I act?
• What resources do I require to build the life I dream of? Maybe that’s education to work the career you want. Maybe that’s finances in place so you can invest in something. Maybe it’s a social network and family system that supports you where needed. Resources can be information, money, people or enlightenment.

Now a smart person would start making a giant list of all of that. Sort stuff into neat columns, prioritize and group common pieces together.

Nope, they actually wouldn’t. That’s a complete recipe for disaster. Mind as well go bury yourself in an avalanche.

This reminds me of a favored part of Benjamin Franklin’s autobiography (shortly into part 2) where he speaks of virtues and trying to work on the one you feel needed the most attention in correction/maintaining for a short period of time and them moving to the next biggest challenge. He would make a chart and keep it visual daily to assess his self-work on virtues he felt would make his life’s quality more profound. When I read this book in my teens I always felt this would be a grand checks and balances sort of life to live.

No one’s got time for that nonsense these days! (Though I really wish I would make time for it)

Trust me, somewhere deep inside your noggin and/or your heart you already know all the answers to those questions above. So let’s move on.

 

Step 2) The Devil’s In the Detail

You know how psychologists, counselors and the sort really don’t dispense advice. It’s actually not their job at all. Their main job is to help you discover the advice from within. You ever notice how when you get someone to talk about their troubles long enough they eventually get sick of running in the same mental circle and come to their own solutions. It’s a beautiful thing. More often than not you are already saying aloud, “Ugh, I wish I would just/just stop doing _________”

Right?

So again, you already have the answers. Maybe you’re just not listening to yourself and those around you that love you for real where they want you to realize all the joy life has to offer.

Step 3) The Needle in the Haystack

Our lives are so detail orientated. We are so proud to put “Great multi-tasker!” on our resumes. We can watch TV, play Angry Birds on our cell phone and carry on a conversation with the person on the couch beside ALL at the same time. Just endlessly absorbing and consuming information and signals…

So when something is awry, we go hunting down that smallest of reasons as to the root cause of it all. And when I find it, then I’ll change it, get rid of it, reverse it, flush it down the toilet. All will then be right in the world! Right?

How old are you? Do you have the life you dream of? If not, I’m here to tell you the needle in the haystack isn’t the problem.

The giant fcukin haystack sitting in the middle of your living room is the problem! And you aren’t solving that equation. I will be as bold as to state: this is the reason you do not have what you want of your life.

5 Things, But Only 1 Matters

Anyone I’ve had this conversation with over the last couple years I’ve been able to get them to tell me 5 big things they feel they would need to do or would need to have happen so they could achieve the life they desire.

Each time, of those 5, there are 4 they will get energetic, emotionally charged (positive or negative) and start rambling on about why those things are the big ones.

But there is one, or perhaps the root cause of that one, that is where I’m trying to direct your attention to.

What if I told you that 80% of the reason you don’t have the life of your dreams was due to one basic, simple thing? 80% is a pretty big number, I know. Everyone’s THING is different.

 

What if you didn’t procrastinate all the time? What if you had the fitness level you desire and along with that came a positive body image? What if you could just stop slandering yourself all the time, putting yourself down endlessly? What if you could drop the fear in saying what you really thought in your mind to those that supposedly love you and support you? What if you got rid of all the toxic people in your life? What if you spent your money better? What would happen if I wasn’t capable of complaining ever again? What if you stopped sleeping in all the time or going to bed so darn late? What if you never drank or did drugs again; you can party and enjoy yourself without that stuff, can’t you? At least sometimes? What if you could treat her the way she deserves? And not forget about our partner as we venture along our own journey? What if you could risk, without worrying and doubting yourself, spinning your wheels over every, “but what if…”? What if I stopped relying on people and instead became self-sufficient? What if instead of worrying about your heart being slaughtered to bits like the last time(s) you gave loving another human another go around? What would happen if you put your television in a closet for a year and forced yourself to unplug from every other electronic for at least 2 hours every day (no, it doesn’t count when you’re sleeping)? What if you always ate food that was good for you and made you feel good?

 

Those are the big ones I see most of the time. It is by all means not a complete list. If you’re completely lost as to what your THING is, ask 10 people around you for the brutal truth in regarding your “faults that hold me back from achieving what I say I want of my life.” Just don’t be offended by what they say. Brutal truth only.

 

Here’s What I’m Trying To Tell You

There’s one thing standing in your way from the life you dream of. Only one thing. I promise you, once you begin that battle with yourself over it, start making improvements and realizing what I’m saying (again, this is simply a personal belief system) you find so much incredible energy and joy and the frustrations, angst and stresses of your life will turn down in volume to a nice little hum in the background. Of course, there’s going to then become a completely different challenge in front of you. But worry about that later. Or better yet, forget I just told you that.

75-90% of the people I’ve met in my life are unhappy with how their life is currently or the fullness, richness and joy it contains. The 10% I’ve met, known or read of, they faced that one thing and generally speaking they did it alone. They conquered that demon for themselves. We all have small joys, successes, things that make our lives happy. But I mean those people who absolutely, completely and wholly ADORE their lives. How many of those people have you known throughout your life?

 

What About 35 Year Old Me?

Man, if I went and listed all of my problems, stresses, challenges, desires, wants…

That’s exhausting just to think about get started on that. Why don’t I have a Lamborghini? (I don’t actually care about that) Why do I have financial stress? Why do I have discord with anyone around me? Why, despite, truly loving the character I’ve built myself to be in my life, am I still writing this for you and me?

What’s my THING you might ask?

Sleep.

The mismanagement, lack of, disorganization, poor quality at times, inconsistency and any other eight syllable word you can think of pertaining to: SLEEP.

Every reason I can think of as to why I don’t have ___ that I want in or of my life is because of this or that, but I can pretty much trace it all back to sleep.

So why can’t I simply go to bed on time, wake at the same time, improve the quality of my sleep, be more consistent? Any time I have worked to do so the quality and joy in my life profoundly improved in a blink of an eye.

I couldn’t wake today, I was exhausted, had a really crappy sleep. It led to me cancelling a session on a new client which is a shitty way to start a professional relationship. It also runs down my system. I had a brutal workout that I simply couldn’t seem to wake up (despite 300mg+ of stimulants). I’m very fortunate though, I have some amazing clients that bring me joy in the interactions we have the fun I get to make of them as they whine about how gorgeous we’re making their body. I was done work 10 hours later, as a business owner I had about 3 hours of work to complete after that (cleaning, texting, scheduling, writing programs). I have to be back at work in less than 7 hours from right now (it’s midnight and I’m nowhere near tired) and here I am blathering on about some esoteric nonsense.

But am I happy with the bulk of my life? Will I rest my head on my pillow tonight and should I never wake again, will I regret anything?

I like where I am right now. I am fond of writing “I am blessed in this life, no question.” It’s always true.

But the life I dream of would mean conquering (not destroying) this insane night owl, working with my >8pm bipolar introvert frequent coup-de-tat to not steal or trade this moment for the future promise of better tomorrows.

When I am ready, when you are ready to conquer and work for that life you dream of, you will. But when you are ready, just know, there’s only ONE THING standing in your way, and focusing on any other detail will lead to utter failure. It always has.

{Adrian now steps off his soapbox and hopefully heads to bed shortly}

BTW, you can now find me on:

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or email me directly at adrian@adriancrowe.com